On Edge

Wow...so, someone actually cares about me. He's there every time I turn around or I'm upset or even just at the end of the day when I really miss him. This sounds weird, I know, but it's hard for me. I'm constantly tensed up; waiting for the thing I do wrong or the time he's being moody or...Anything. Waiting for him to disappear and hoping so hard he doesn't. This is so new to me. And he's not just some guy pretending to care who's really an ass. He's such a good person and I just....have this feeling that I can trust him. I know, maybe it's stupid to trust him; since every other friend I've had has left me at some point, hurt me, or stabbed me in the back. The last guy like this.....it turned out bad. Really bad. And it still hurts. I almost killed myself over it. He's not Paul, I know. But it still scares me. There's something about it that makes me so alert for it to happen again. I'm just....I wonder WHY. Why does he care about me. Why is he so concerned about my safety and how I feel? What makes me so special to deserve it? Why do I suddenly deserve a friend who...Idk....who won't leave me? It doesn't make sense. I don't deserve it. And any second now it's gonna be taken away. I'm gonna mess up. Do something wrong. Say the wrong thing. And he's gonna be gone. I don't understand why this is so different....I can count on him. He's sturdy and there. Like a pillar. I care about him.